Uncomfortable

Church on Sundays was mandatory when I was younger. My mother would wake me up and I'd pretend to fall back asleep. Soon enough she'd pull me out of bed and I would complain, whine, and try to make a deal with her. I'd go next week, I'd be good all week, just don't make me go. She never budged and I always found myself sitting beside her in the pew as the church sang around me.

I remember vividly one morning close to the end of the service. It was before my communion so instead of going up and receiving the Eucharist, I followed my mother with my arms crossed over my chest. I stepped up to the Priest, looking up at him as he leaned over and put a hand on my head.

"Do you accept the body of Christ?" he asked.

I thought for a moment, his words rolling around in my head. My mother stood beside me, still chewing. A moment of panic rushed through me. I didn't know the answer. I looked up at the priest and shook my head.

"No."

My mother leaned in quickly, before he could even take a breath. "She means yes."

The priest chuckled and we moved on, following the line in front of us neatly back to our pew.

Thinking back, I was more uncomfortable with my mother making me change my answer. I was in church, a place where I was expected to act in a certain way, and lying was not included. In the Sundays after that, I was better able to navigate my way through each service, knowing exactly when to leave so for the bathroom so I would miss the point when we were expected to shake hands with the people around me. But the incident has always stuck in my mind and I think it is because I was asked to make a choice in church, and my choice was not accepted. Granted, I was a kid and didn't really know anything about what I was doing or sawing, but my opinion was still ignored.

I think this affected me in other ways in church as well. I struggled with my mother for several more years before she finally gave up and left me home on Sunday mornings, but I was still ingrained with the rules. Whenever I stay with my grandparents, we must go to church. We must dress nice and following along with each song. We must accept the body of Christ and say 'amen'.